While India’s Supreme Court decriminalised the act of adultery in 2018, exploring sex or relationships outside of a marriage remains a moral and social conundrum. Many dating app users find themselves matching with people who aren’t honest about their relationship status. And that’s not because lying and cheating are a particularly new phenomena, but rather because dating apps provide a sense of anonymity and privacy that allow these behavioural patterns to go unnoticed.
Why are married people on dating apps?
A survey by the extramarital dating website Gleeden, which reportedly has over 2 million users in India, found that the growth of technology, social media, and dating apps has made it easier for those in committed relationships to meet new people, by offering more possibilities in close proximity to them. The comprehensive study, conducted in February 2023 by research specialist IPSOS using a demographic sample of 1,500 Indians, also found that 34 per cent of those who opt to have extramarital affairs aren’t motivated just by sex or dissatisfaction with their marriage, but rather to seek emotional fulfilment outside their primary relationships.
“My wife and I had an arranged marriage, and in the first couple of years, we only got intimate to have a child,” says Akash*, a 38-year-old businessman from Delhi, whose name has been changed to protect his identity. “Over time, she lost interest in being intimate, even though I tried many times. It made me feel like I was not good enough and cut off from the rest of the world". While Akash first tried getting on dating apps like Bumble and Tinder, choosing to not upload any pictures of his face to protect his privacy, he soon switched to apps like Gleeden to seek out married women who were in similar situations.
“Technology gives us tools to hide our secrets. Chats that can be deleted later; secret communication on dating apps which do not require you to be physically seen, and more such features are leading people to cross boundaries more often," says Pallavi Barnwal, an intimacy coach. Barnwal, who runs a 700+ member sex-positive community on Telegram called ‘Pleasure Talks’, points out that most of these cases can’t be categorised as either black or white. “Whether it’s for exploration, or to satisfy a fundamentally basic need such as physical or emotional intimacy, what others may look at as a fetish or alternative lifestyle is part of a person’s identity and self, which gets compromised if [their needs aren’t] met.” Having counselled many married people who use dating apps, including a 41-year-old man who has a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy with his wife and a 38-year-old woman who began exploring a BDSM relationship with someone she met on an app when she wasn’t getting what she wanted from her partner, Barnwal concludes that people are now prioritising their own sexual satisfaction, and even turning to partner swapping, exhibitionism and cuckolding to do so. “The newer generation has placed a greater emphasis on sexual exploration, sometimes at the risk of destroying their relationship,” she says.
An escape from reality?
Aili Seghetti, a consumer researcher and founder of The Intimacy Curator, also points out that in many cases, people seek secret affairs on dating apps because they’re nostalgic for the chase. “Some do it because they don’t want to address their issues (with their partners) or deal with the emotional baggage, but some are just bored of married life and miss their dating days where they felt more wanted and needed," she says. Seghetti has also encountered situations where queer men, unable to come out to their families and trapped in heterosexual marriages, use apps like Grindr to explore their true desires. “It signals a disillusionment with marriage as an institution, whether love or arranged. People in long-term relationships now realise they have more options and constantly feel like they are missing out.”
For many married people, dating apps offer a convenient platform that lets them escape their reality. For some, however, it’s also a playground to explore ethical non-monogamy. “Apps like Hinge give you the choice to add a filter of non-monogamy, which helps those pursuing polyamorous relationships be authentic,” says Duniya, a polyamorous social development worker who preferred we use her online pseudonym. She adds that while it’s important for married people using dating apps to openly admit their relationship status, it’s equally important for those they tell to keep an open mind, and to try and understand their situation without judgement. “Ask them if they’re non-monogamous or if they have a long term or nesting partner. A question I always ask is: how single are you?”
*(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed on the condition of anonymity)
